Who farted? If I’m in the room, more than likely it’s me, but if there are kids or dogs around, I will look at them as the culprits. Farting is something every single one of us do. It’s a natural bodily function, but for most of us when it happens to us in public, we “freak out” from embarrassment or if you’re me, you learn to laugh and make some smartass comment.
Before I was diagnosed with cancer, my life revolved around staying close to a bathroom. Not only did I have flatulence issues, I constantly worried about making it to the toilet in time. All the doctors I saw over the years told me I had gas and loose stool problems because I was stressed out. No kidding! They would be stressed out too if they had to run to the bathroom every few hours. Then I had colorectal surgery and I now have a permanent colostomy bag. The great thing is I no longer worry about finding a bathroom, but my ostomy seems to enjoy playing pranks on me. I call her “Whoopee,” after the Whoopee Cushion, a toy that I used to love playing with, hiding it under a chair cushion, waiting for some unsuspecting person to sit down. As soon as they did, the cushion let out the loudest “fart” noise imaginable and I laughed so hard I cried.
These days the jokes on me. My ostomy is part of my intestine that sits on the left side of my abdomen. It doesn’t have muscles so I can’t feel a fart coming on like I could when it came out my tush. I usually had a few seconds notice so I could squeeze my sphincter muscles to keep the fart in long enough for me to leave the room. My ostomy doesn’t give me that courtesy. Maybe Whoopee is my karma for playing pranks on all those people years ago. She sits under a colostomy bag that acts like a balloon when it’s filled with air, such as gas. The bag is about six inches in length so if there is more air than the bag can hold, it makes a loud noise. Sometimes it sounds like a balloon leaking air slowly, or (my favorite) machine gunfire. That’s always an ice breaker! People don’t know whether to duck or laugh.
I always had a wicked sense of humor, so for the most part my bag is no big deal. Many times when she sounds off, I use the opportunity to tell people my cancer story (if they don’t already know). Whoopie gave me back my quality of life and for that I am grateful, fart noises and all!
Be Well and Happy!