A couple of weeks after my first “clear” scan I went a little *crazy*. I had this urge to run away, from exactly what or where — I don’t know. I examined everything about my life and tried to figure out what I wanted to keep and what had to go and that included my marriage. All marriages and any relationship for that matter has it’s ups and downs. People are complicated and it’s hard to share daily life with someone without having second thoughts sometimes. I think I had a case of the “what if’s?”
My husband stayed with me through all my treatments, went to work and helped me bathe and use the bathroom. He stayed and toughed it out. Other spouses in similar situations choose to leave. Taking care of a loved one who is seriously ill is no picnic and I was no exception. I am grateful for all he did for me, but back then — when I was told I was cancer free — I had the urge to run away — to be free and do as I pleased. I knew I had been given a second chance and I didn’t want to miss out anything. Exactly what I was missing out on I cannot say. I never had any grandiose plans — to travel the world ( I hate flying), climb a mountain or sail to some exotic land. I am happy putzing around my house, playing with my animals, reading a good book or snooping around thrift stores.
I even had a terrible crush on my doctor. He is really handsome and I fantasized that he felt the same about me and wanted to run away with me. He is at least 15 years my junior, works 24 hours a day and is married. What was I thinking? I read that falling in love with the doctor who saved your life is quite common.
I went a little cuckoo for a couple of months but like Buddha says “nothing is permanent” and luckily I did not do anything rash. I rode out my mental storm and eventually recovered.
Looking back on that time, I think I went a little crazy because it all hit me at once — how close I was from losing everything that mattered to me the most. My life. My everyday life. I am happy. I am content. When I was going through treatment, I didn’t have time to think about running away, or think I was missing out on some unknown exciting event. I had to focus on getting to my appointments, eating, sleeping and fighting to get well.
I am back on track and my marriage is intact. I am grateful. I am one of the lucky ones. And if I had to take some time to examine my life — that’s ok. I discovered it’s perfect the way it is.