No Butts About it, This Ass is Mine

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I was going to post something completely different today…that is until I got to my volunteer job this afternoon. I volunteer at UCI, in the Infusion Center two days a week. I guess my main job description is “bringer of drinks and blankets” but I am really there to lend support to those getting chemo treatment. I always introduce myself to new patients as a cancer survivor…it either opens the door for dialogue or it doesn’t. At the very least I bring them something to drink; bottled water, juice, tea…the standard stuff to keep patients hydrated. Some patients jump right in and want to know my story, others pretend they are somewhere else (they wear headsets connected to IPADS or laptops which is my signal to leave them alone) and then there are those who prefer to slowly get to know me. Most patients come for several treatments and they usually come the same day every time, so there are some I build a repoire with.

One of the patients I have a good relationship with was there today getting her chemo. We became friends fast because we had or at least I had the same cancer…she is still working to get rid of hers. We usually spend our time coming up with new butt jokes but today she seemed to be a woman on a mission.

Ok, let me back pedal for a minute so you get the whole picture of our conversation and I might add it was the strangest conversation I ever had.

The rectal cancer I had, destroyed my sphincter muscles so in order to have a good quality of life I opted for a permanent colostomy bag. For me it was a no brainer but I have come to realize it is a bigger deal for many others. Sandy (not her real name) is one who resists the idea of a colostomy bag…but apparently (she said) we had a conversation recently about me donating my rectum to her. So she told me that today she decided she will tell our mutual butt doctor  to transplant my rectum in to hers. She has an appointment to see him tomorrow. This is her logic… since I don’t use mine, she needs it and therefore the problem of a colostomy bag is solved because she will have mine to poop normally.

I thought she was joking and I went along with the idea until I realized she wasn’t. She wanted my ass and had all the logistics figured out. Never mind the fact that there is no record of any butt transplant. We will be the first. I would love to be there and see the look our doctor gets when he hears this hair brained idea. He might just decide to tweak her medication.

xo   Inge

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